Being Asian growing up in an American school (and being born in August), I was usually the youngest, smallest, shortest, and English being my second language, not the smartest in my class (didn’t know about ESL back then and my two sisters and I were the only Japanese in our schools). Insecure, I also grew to have an inferiority complex in both cultures as I was too dark, short, had a stubby nose, big lips, wiry frizzy hair, and slanty eyes. Both my parents were ministers from Japan, so sadly not understanding my own faith until much later in life, I was embarrassed by it. And not having a lot of money, my mother lovingly sewed all of our clothes and made us bento lunches. Again, sadly embarrassed by those too (back then, rice balls with seaweed were met with a horrified “ewwww!”).

By the time I was in 6th grade, I didn’t talk to anyone besides my few close friends and I wanted to shrink into my chair everyday so the teacher wouldn’t call on me. Was bullied a few times - mild, but devastating to someone already insecure. Braces for three years including having to wear headgear at school only intensified my self-consciousness.

I think it was 7th grade when a modeling company came to do free consults and makeup for girls. Like Po in the movie Kung Fu Panda, I thought, “If anyone can change me and make me beautiful, it was them!” But braces and all I was rejected, told I wasn’t what they were looking for and maybe sometime in the future… I was crushed. On top of that, it was my 7th grade homeroom teacher who didn’t let me go to the bathroom during class (and I REALLY had to go). Next thing I knew, I was being helped off the floor, clothes wet in my own puddle of pee. I had fainted from trying to hold it in too hard, right there with the whole class whispering and watching me leave. Talk about a middle school girl’s worst nightmare. I was mortified.

It may have been that same year our choir went to Victoria B.C. for a big concert. (I loved music and choir was one of the few things I really enjoyed doing. They didn’t notice me if I was standing in the back, and I got to learn songs!) But we were divided into groups of three for the homestay host families. I was paired with two super popular girls, and they outright said in front of me while looking me up and down, “why did we have to get HER?!”

I wanted to have nice clothes, nice straight hair that’s bouncy when put in a cute pony tail, wanted to be lighter in skin color like my sisters, and be smarter and have a better memory like my friends in high school (didn’t know about ADHD until adulthood). I wanted to be ANYONE but me.

I remember sitting on the roof of our house for so many summers (one of the few quiet and peaceful places I had) and singing like Fievel in the animation An American Tail, “Somewhere out there beneath a pale moonlight Someone’s thinking of me, and loving me tonight…”  Also, like Ariel in Disney’s The Little Mermaid, who wanted to get out of her stringent “traditional” home and wished, “When's it my turn? Wouldn't I love, Love to explore that shore above? Out of the sea Wish I could be Part of that world …” to join everyone else in being a “normal” American teenager. Hanging out, going places, going to games and things, but no; school then straight home. I even got in trouble for coming back late from the downtown library with my friend. Although, I have to admit that even if I was allowed, I probably would have been more of an observer than in the middle of things.

Why was I so scared? How was everyone else so confident? And as far as having Asian parents, I know they loved me but of course I was just never good enough. Not even when I finally got straight A’s at the end of middle school and pretty much kept it up from there…

But to keep from writing a full-on auto biography, I’ll try to summarize. From then on, I focused on getting into college which meant digging up every bit of courage I didn’t have to join clubs (like speech team) and sports to be “well rounded.” By my senior year I was in seven different activities with four officer positions and tennis team captain. (Even let my advisor talk me into accepting nomination for our high school’s Rose Festival Princess court.) These extra-curricular activities unfortunately led to family tensions, which led to me needing friend support. Which gratefully led to an amazing supportive relationship with a male friend (now husband). Now if happy endings in fairy tales were realistic in any way, I’d be able to end here as I had met my “someone, somewhere out there,” (turns out way back in sixth grade).

But life goes on. Dating brought on an entire new slew of challenges. An ancient Chinese proverb speaks about how one mountain cannot accommodate two tigers. That was my father and boyfriend; family and community vs self and individuality; typical East vs West. I understood and agreed 100% with what my father emphasized about responsibility to family and helping with church duties. But I also agreed 100% with what my boyfriend emphasized about my own future, college and meeting qualifications. However, as the arguments were completely opposite of each other, I became so confused as to how I could agree 100% with both, which shouldn’t be possible. What was wrong with me?

It took three years of college courses in East Asian Studies (one book in particular called “The Japanese Mind”), classes on world views and objective self-reflection for me to realize I was Japanese-American. I finally understood what all of those pesky red marks (actually a sea of red marks) for “passive voice” were on my English papers, and how to fix them. I have two cultures, two mindsets, two distinct sets of values and morals within me.

Once I was able to see, understand, and accept both, they suddenly became my greatest strength. I can work well in a group setting and put others first. But when needed, I can stand up for myself and ensure I take care of myself as well as those for whom I’m responsible. Instead of clashing, I’ve learned to balance the two within me depending on the given situation.

Finding my identity was the forth foundation stone that allowed me to face life with confidence. (Spiritualism, support of my family and husband were the first three.) These foundations allowed me to enjoy life and take on whatever challenges that came my way, not without some anxiety, but without fear. Hardships were hardships, but I was able to get through them without suffering or falling into despair.

Looking at it now, it really does follow Maslow’s book on A Theory of Human Motivation and his hierarchy of needs. Once the basic needs are fulfilled (to a certain percentage), we are able to move on to the next.

I hope we can learn from each other, and build and maintain solid foundations from the ground up.